In principle, the Baseball Hall of Fame is supposed to be a shrine to America's Pastime. Often, however, it is the conduit for curmudgeon sports writers to cosplay judge, putting on a robe and wig and pounding a gavel with the power of their pen. Historians are not sure when and how an institution honoring racist Ty Cobb and hound dog Babe Ruth became known for its morality and ethics, but the annual sludge that has been produced because of this pursuit never ceases to amaze.
Such as this gem from Boston Red Sox writer Bill Ballou, on why he's not voting for Mariano Rivera—inarguably the greatest closer in the game's history—on his ballot.
First, let's start with the headline: "Bill Ballou: Mariano Rivera not getting this writer’s Hall of Fame vote." Oh my, so regal in just 12 words. You know someone is important when they put their own byline at the front of the header. Let's you know we're dealing with a man of prominence. And the emphasis on his verdict is pure joy: you're not getting this writer's vote. If you're ever asked to summarize Clint Eastwood's "GET OFF MY LAWN" character in Gran Torino, this headline will suffice.
But then there's the article in itself, which is just (chef's kiss):
So because of the perceived shortcomings of Viniateri—who plays a different sport than Riviera—Ballou is, um, not voting for the Sandman. There's a lot to untangle here, like, you know, USING AN ATHLETE WHO PLAYS A DIFFERENT SPORT FOR YOUR ARGUMENT, but that Ballou picked one of the best kickers in NFL history to somehow prove his point is fantastic. God, I wish Ballou had an Academy Award vote. "Sorry Bradley Cooper, you were fine in A Star is Born, but my steak was overcooked by Wolfgang Puck in 2005, so not today, Sally."
And then there's this:
Nothing boosts your argument like, "Well, two Hall of Fame pitchers, an eventual Hall of Fame manager and another respected coach all think I'm an idiot."
THEN WHY WRITE THIS ARTICLE?
Well, it's because—and our apologies if this ruins your Christmas—Ballou wants you to know he's not voting at all. Hell, why even have a ceremony this year.
By the way, if you think this is bad, just wait until Derek Jeter becomes eligible next winter. Takes are coming.